Happy Mother's Day. Here's to breakfast in bed, homemade cards from your kids, and hopefully a little "me time." Because Lord knows, Mom sure could use it.
Some surveys have shown that American moms are stressed, burned out, and anxious about their children. An online Pew Research Center survey of about 3,700 American parents conducted last fall and released this year found that parents are worried for their kids and that mothers are bearing much of this mental burden.
Many mental-health challenges are likely a hangover from the pandemic. COVID-19 created a childcare crisis, and it disproportionately affected mothers. Some left their jobs, while others scaled back their careers. Their mental health declined.
Mental load, which refers to the invisible chores and emotional labor involved in running a household, is one of the chief culprits, experts have said. Even in normal times, mothers tend to carry a greater mental load, Caitlyn Collins, a sociology professor at Washington University in St. Louis, said. The pandemic added to its weight.
The effects have particularly destructive consequences for working moms, she told Insider. "It's stressful, it affects their well-being, and it impinges on their ability to engage in the workplace on par with men."
There are no easy solutions, but parenting experts have said there are concrete steps both working and non-working moms can take to ease the burden — or at least the way they think about it — both at home and on the job.
Just because societal expectations about household work exist doesn't mean they should be the norm in your family, Lori Mihalich-Levin, the author of "Back to Work After Baby," said.
"Have a conversation with your partner about the distribution of labor in your family," she said.
She and her husband hold weekly planning meetings where they look at their professional obligations, their children's schedules, and household demands, then divide the workload equitably.
"Every single task has three parts: conception, planning, and execution," she said, referencing the work of the author Eve Rodsky, who introduced this idea in her book, "Fair Play." In household-management terms, this means assessing family needs, identifying solutions to meet those needs, and implementing strategies.
Daisy Dowling, the author of "Workparent," recommended finding ways to conserve your brainpower at work and at home. "There's no friction-free universe, but there are ways to make your day more efficient," she said.
Start by reducing the number of decisions you need to make. Wake up and go to bed at the same time, routinize your weekly meal plans and grocery trips, and wear a "uniform," à la Barack Obama.
Dowling also suggested removing any time sucks from your calendar. Bow out of extraneous meetings. Decline unnecessary commitments. Turn off the internet when you're doing work that requires intense focus. Be ruthless about unsubscribing from email chains and newsletters that don't interest you.
"You might say, 'It's just email, what's the big deal?' But think of yourself as a computer: Every email is a drain on your operating speed," she said.
A parenting proverb is, "The days are long, but the years are short."
It applies equally well to careers, Rachel Montañez, an executive coach in Orlando, Florida, said. "One of the things I hear a lot from working mothers is that they feel like they're coasting — they're staying in the same role because it's familiar, comfortable, and doesn't require a lot of energy," she said.
It's understandable that some women feel this way while raising a family, but some have said they feel they aren't meeting their potential. As a result, they feel a special type of "mom guilt" about possibly not being a good enough employee while also not spending more time with their children.
Montañez recommended reframing your approach. "You may not always be gunning for that next promotion, but can be using your talents to develop new skills, cultivate relationships, and mentor others," she said.
Don't cope by coasting; instead, embrace the here and now of your job. "Strive to be in a place where you feel fulfilled and that you're flourishing," she added.
Finally, try not to be so hard on yourself when it comes to your job performance. It's been a rough few years, so give yourself some grace.
"Work and children aren't meant to be equally balanced balls in the air. If you're not putting your emotions and children first right now, everything else is on shaky ground," Laurie Hollman, a psychoanalyst and the author of "The Busy Parent's Guide to Managing Anxiety in Children and Teens: The Parental Intelligence Way," told Insider.
So don't try to juggle.
Find out whether your company could allow you to work flexible hours. Request a set schedule if you have to go to work in person. Ask your manager for flexibility. You can be more forthcoming and direct than you might think.
"It may not ease your mental load entirely, but reminding yourself — and your employer — of your priorities helps you focus on what matters most at work and at home," Hollman said.