Dear Sarah,
I am a woman in my mid-20s, and I have an older female friend named Alice. We have been good friends for the past few years and have really gotten along. She has been an incredibly great support system for me, especially as I have gone through some very intense hardships over the past few years. I love her like a sister and we always have an amazing time together.
Recently, Alice has developed a crush on her coworker at a law firm. At first, I didn’t think too much about it, but I started to see that it was brought up quite a bit. She began to pursue him. Things began by just going to a park or meeting for lunch. Then she admitted her feelings. Initially, he seemed interested, but soon said he was unavailable and did not want to date. I was there to console Alice through the disappointment and thankfully they were never physically intimate nor did they really flirt. She has continued to work at the same place, but I am becoming concerned. Alice began asking if they could date or what kind of relationship they have and he repeatedly has said some sort of variation of how he is unavailable. He will say he is not wanting to date, or that he is unavailable to even hang out as friends for a while. I see all these as a variation of no, but Alice thinks otherwise. When she speaks about it she says, “We’re not dating yet,” or “it’s just a matter of time.”
Having been on the dating market for a while, I have learned that non-committal communication is a no and to move on, especially if they have already stated that they are not interested in dating. Alice, however, will continue to talk about her coworker as if there is still a chance. She will try to invite him to activities that we have planned together, only to be disheartened and angry when he is unavailable. Recently, we had plans to go to dinner and Alice invited her coworker to go at the last minute. I was a bit shocked by this and stated I would rather not go if this coworker was coming because I would like to stay out of what was going on between the two of them. Her response was to then say that this opportunity would be a perfect date for her and her coworker. I am becoming concerned that Alice’s behavior is tipping into harassment and I am becoming more uncomfortable as I have been in the same position her coworker is in many times, but with other men. Am I overblowing this? I feel as if I need to say something, but I am not sure what. I have been supportive and will usually say “Oh he sounds unavailable” or “That sounds like a no to me,” but it doesn’t seem to connect.
—Harassing Friend
Joel Anderson: I definitely don’t think the LW is “overblowing” what’s happening between Alice and her co-worker, but unfortunately there’s only so much she’s going to be able to do.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: Yeah, I mean you know my general rule for what to do when you hear about friends making dating and relationship choices that you find questionable, is that you should just listen and be supportive. As a recent podcast guest put it, “Validate the valid.” Try to connect to something they’re saying and focus on that. BUT! I think there are exceptions when your friend risks ending up on the wrong side of the law. And I think that’s the case here. You can’t relentlessly pursue your colleagues. You just can’t. Did this person miss #MeToo?
Joel: The LW has already done a great job of showing her discomfort with Alice’s pursuit—harassment if people want to be less generous—of the co-worker, but you’re right: Given that she knows a lot of the details here and cares about Alice, giving her a heads-up that she’s crossing boundaries is something a good friend would do. But only once! Firmly but kindly. I think we all can relate to unrequited attraction, and it’s a really vulnerable place to be. But Alice’s behavior has to stop before she winds up facing an HR complaint.
Jenée: Yep, only once. Especially because this is an “older” (I’m guessing 35-year-old?) friend. An adult who has more life experience than the letter-writer and should know what she’s doing. Another thought, because this is what I would do: Should LW try to introduce Alice to someone else as a distraction? That could be a fun project.
Joel: That definitely sounds like something you would be interested in, and if the spirit moves the LW, sure. But a fixation with one person probably isn’t gonna go away just because she sets up Alice on one date. And presumably, if such a friend existed, she would have already produced him or her. Now, maybe taking control of Alice’s dating profile on all the apps, or pulling her out for a night on the town might help too. I guess it depends on just how much she wants to be involved in her romantic life.
Jenée: Something I skipped over in my initial read of the letter is that Alice is not being a great friend. Inviting her crush to their dinners and then essentially choosing him over the letter-writer sucks! I’ll take LW at her word that Alice is wonderful and supportive, but that behavior makes me wonder whether they may be growing apart (with the LW growing toward a normal life and Alice growing into someone who only cares about this guy who doesn’t like her back).
Joel: Well, I might give Alice some grace because maybe this is truly unusual. And it’s not uncommon for friends to sometimes prioritize a potential romantic partner over a friendship, or frankly, generally do some weird shit that interferes with their relationship. Sometimes people are so far gone, they don’t even realize it. That’s why I think when the LW eventually confronts Alice, she can lay all of this out, about how she’s acting out of character and that she’s worried about how it might affect her life—and her career.
Jenée: This is why we call you Compassion Anderson. Always ready to give people grace! You’re right, though. But, LW I will say, if Alice is this ready to bail on you over a coworker who doesn’t like her back, brace yourself for when she gets into a relationship for real.