"Your husband does what?!" This was a question I heard frequently during the 10 years my husband, Ian, commuted weekly from our home in Minneapolis to his job in New York City. In 2010, Ian received an incredible job offer as Head of Content at The Mill, a globally acclaimed visual effects company in NYC. However, the timing was far from perfect. We had recently moved from Los Angeles to Minneapolis and were settling into our new home. Our children were one and three years old, and I was in the process of rebuilding my private therapy practice from the ground up.
Relocating to one of the country's most expensive cities wasn't feasible, especially with the economy in turmoil. Uprooting our lives felt too risky. When Ian proposed flying back and forth every week, his new employer agreed, and we became part of the supercomputer couples' community worldwide.
Here's how we managed it. We mastered the art of flights and rentals. Since Ian chose to supercommute, we handled the costs of flights and lodging. I became adept at sourcing the best flight deals, using the right credit cards for booking, and maximizing airline status and miles. The benefits included airport lounge access—crucial for Ian to conduct meetings during flight delays—and lots of free flights for family vacations.
To save money, we opted to rent small studios or rooms for Ian during the week instead of booking hotels. Over those 10 years, he resided in seven different apartments in Brooklyn and Manhattan
I did the legwork to see how close they were to subway stops and whether there were late-night dining options for the days he worked until 9 pm. We balanced cost with safety and distance from work, and we were lucky to find places that were, as I remember it, about $1,500 per month or less.
Having more consistent spaces meant Ian didn’t have to live out of a suitcase and could decorate with memories of home.
When I interviewed people for my book “Super Commuter Couples: Staying Together When a Job Keeps You Apart,” many shared that others judged their relationships because they spend so much time apart.
But proximity is no guarantee of commitment. I learned from experience that time together is about quality rather than quantity — and time apart can work if you communicate openly and regularly.
Ian and I prioritized date nights and a yearly weekend away. When we were apart, we’d check in at the start of a call: “How are you doing? Is this a good time to talk?” Because our days were hectic, we started sending each other quick texts to say hello rather than always trying to have in-depth phone calls.
For a time, Ian would make himself a PB&J Sunday night for his Monday travels, and it became a tradition for the kids to help him, decorate the wrapping with stickers or notes.
We’d often have Friday pizza and movie nights to celebrate being back together again for the weekend.
When the kids were little, I’d print out calendars for them. I’d draw an airplane on days Ian flew home and mark other fun things we had going on while he was away, like a tree on a day we’d go to the park. The kids had a better concept of time when they crossed days off the calendar to count down to Ian’s return.
Ian also sent us postcards made from photos he took while he was away. The little things add up.
Given the cold and snow of Minnesota, our winter escape was often a family cruise. There was all kinds of entertainment, no cooking or meal planning to think about, and a kids’ playroom if Ian and I wanted to have dinner alone.
Most importantly, onboard Wi-Fi was so expensive at the time that we didn’t buy it and Ian couldn’t work. These were real vacations for all of us — a chance to relax and have fun together.
We toured his office and met his co-workers so that when he told us stories about them, we knew who these people were. Getting to see Dad’s life during the week helped the kids understand where he was when he was away.
Plus, because of the nature of his job, they got to see a working commercial set, which inspired our daughter to pursue the creative arts in college.
We were fortunate that my sister lived with us for the first five years and my parents were only two hours away. The extra support they offered me was huge, as was the quality time we all had with them.
Beyond family, our neighbors knew our situation and they were willing to help out if needed. When the kids were little, we hired someone to mow and shovel snow. I found an amazing handyman and a reliable plumber I knew I could call for any issues that needed fixing during the week.
I had a few babysitters I could reach out to if I wanted some time for myself — whether it was to take a Pilates class or go out to dinner with a friend during the week. Other times, I used the gym’s childcare center while I worked out.
We decided not to have our kids participate in a lot of activities when they were younger. The logistics of multiple activities felt too overwhelming for me to handle with Ian away during the week.
Even so, I needed breaks from all that solo parenting and I took them — including for a yearly girls’ weekend. (Time for dad to be the solo parent!)
While we had a few challenges, we don’t regret our choice. Ian got to pursue a fulfilling career. I didn’t have to rebuild my therapy practice a third time or get licensed in a new state. We raised our family where there are good public schools, lots of green space, and a reasonable cost of living.
Our kids learned early on about the importance of self-care and quality time with loved ones. They realized that the best choice might not be the easiest one, but that you have to do what works for you.