Dear Jobadvisor,
I am in the process of updating my will and have several questions about the best way to update it. I have two children, one is a hard worker, a family man with three children, and a responsible adult. The other is a struggling actor and hasn’t had a steady job in years.
I am uncomfortable with continuing to fund the actor’s carefree lifestyle while the money could be going to my grandkids, but I am conflicted about the resentment this would cause between my two sons as the actor would “need” the money more.
Their mother (my ex-wife) passed away and left them a healthy inheritance so they will both be comfortable. I would appreciate your help.
Proud Father & Grandfather
Dear Proud,
The world’s a stage — and your last wishes will be the final words of your own script.
There are two parts to your inheritance: the money you leave and the message that you leave your children. Do you want your “carefree” son to live the rest of his days knowing that you disapprove of him pursuing his dreams? I’m not sure if “carefree” is a euphemism for being irresponsible or maybe he just has different priorities in life than starting a family or business. Either way, be very careful about using your will to make a judgment on their choices.
You could see your inheritance as doing two things: supporting him in his endeavors or unfairly subsidizing his single lifestyle. I believe the former is the better choice. There is a financial argument to be made that your grandchildren could use those funds for college too. But should you penalize your single son for not having children? You could structure your will so your grandchildren each receive a sum, but I recommend you discuss it with them first and give your sons equal amounts. The worst thing you could do to your son is to punish him for his decisions.
You could also create an irrevocable trust for your son’s benefit. The trust could state the main purpose was to provide for your actor son in retirement or should he wish to buy a home, his health care, and outline a similar set of guidelines for your married son. That way, you are giving them both the same requirements and the same respect. You could also set up a trust that would account for future grandchildren.
Neither son is entitled to his money. It’s yours, after all, and it’s right you should think this through now. Never underestimate the power of thoughtfulness. That applies to both the amount you leave your sons and the feeling it will leave behind. Similarly, if you have items that are of particular value — sentimental or monetary — talk to your sons about it now and/or add instructions in your will as to how you would like those items of value distributed.
Bequests are worth their weight in gold
If you have a favorite pair of silver cufflinks, it might mean their weight in gold to leave them to one son. Or if you have a vintage car and know that one son has expressed interest in it, you could add that to your will. As a father, the power of your words will take on meaning that you cannot foresee, so use them wisely and judiciously. Unless there are egregious extenuating circumstances, splitting your estate evenly is typically the right thing to do.
That does not mean that parents should be held hostage to tradition or the demands of their adult children. I have, on occasion, agreed that it’s OK to cut a child out of a will if the relationship has irretrievably broken down. Another father of two recently wrote to me to say: “I could write a book about how mean my son was to me.” The twist: His son said he would convince his ex-wife to leave everything to him instead as retribution.
You may also wish to instruct your son to take turns picking the other items you leave behind. This can avoid complications later on. Case in point: This letter writer said their parents had a large art collection. She chose a painting, but unbeknownst to her siblings (and, perhaps, her parents) it had an estimated value of $50,000. She wondered whether she should quietly sell it at auction or tell her sisters and split the proceeds. It put her in a legal and moral quandary.
In the meantime, talk to a lawyer about minimizing the amount of your estate that will go through probate, which is a public accounting and distribution of your assets. You can add a “transfer upon death” deed to your home so it passes to your children upon your death; you could also add your sons as beneficiaries to your bank accounts, but you may be better off putting equal amounts in individual accounts and adding them as a beneficiary to each account separately.
Another heartening aspect of your letter: You are actually making a will. You would be surprised by how many people die, leaving all of their worldly belongings to probate and subject to the laws of the state. Less than one-third (32%) of Americans have a will, according to Caring.com. “Since 2023, 14% more U.S. adults give ‘a lack of assets’ as their reason for neglecting estate planning,” the researchers said. So you are already ahead by thinking about it now.
Be a “family man” by dignifying both sons with the same respect.