Reader: I’m looking for advice on how to be perceived as less defensive when my bosses unexpectedly question my work. Poor communication led to me being told my work was very good — except for my communication style. My bosses said they were “at the end of their rope” because I was always making excuses for projects not getting done.
I’ve since improved on the issues of concern. However, whenever there’s a misunderstanding or question about one of my projects, they inevitably bring back all the old baggage and start accusing me — wrongly — of continuing to have my former issues. When I try to explain why they’re wrong or provide proof that whatever they’ve assumed is not the case, I’m told I’m being emotional and defensive.
I understand being a senior-level employee often involves accepting feedback, but it doesn’t seem fair to expect me to sit there silently, taking unwarranted criticism. Especially if it means accepting this narrative that I’m bad at my job when I’ve gone to great lengths to address each of their prior issues with my performance.
I’m wondering if it’s just too late for me at this small company and I should move on. I really like my colleagues and my work. But I hate feeling like it’s just hanging over my head that if I make even a small mistake, we go right back to me being a “problem,” and I can’t speak up without being “defensive.” I’m a people-pleaser, and this is really bringing me down, in the office and in my personal life.
Karla: The problem with responding to people who label you defensive is that anything you say to counter their misperceptions is going to sound, well, defensive.
Your experience shows why, when I receive letters describing co-workers as “ADD” or “OCD,” I suggest ditching armchair diagnoses and focusing on performance and results. Not only is it prohibited under the Americans With Disabilities Act to base employment decisions on your assumptions about workers’ presumed or confirmed medical or behavioral conditions — it’s rude. No one likes to have all their mistakes, and quirks, and need to be boiled down to a reductive label that gets thrown in their face after every hiccup. Who wouldn’t get “emotional” and “defensive” about that?
Whether you still have self-work to do, or whether your managers are too hung up on history to acknowledge your progress, you’re stuck in a negative feedback loop with management: they question, you explain, and they label you. Below are some ideas on how to short-circuit that.
Get ahead of complaints. Try to anticipate issues so that when questioned, you’re not caught on your back foot. Set up regular check-ins, formal or casual, to report to your bosses on your progress and uncover concerns. If a project appears to be foundering or lagging, don’t wait for them to complain about it.
Turn indictments into interviews and explanations into questions. When you feel on the defensive, sometimes you can redirect the energy by asking questions. It might take some mental gymnastics and deep breathing to keep your tone sincere, but by asking questions, you’re engaging rather than blocking your bosses.
“What would help reassure you that the project is on track?”
“May I show you where I am in the process, so you can let me know if I need to adjust?”
“What if [obstacle] happens?” (Instead of “That won’t work because of [obstacle].”)
And, saving the hardest for last:
Answer without explaining.
“Oh, thank you for pointing that out. I’ll get it taken care of.”
“Oops, my mistake. I’ll fix it” (only if it was your mistake).
“I see your concern. How would you like me to handle this?”
These might sound like you’re accepting blame and endorsing their narrative. But in fact you’re acknowledging their concerns and either offering a solution or putting the solution-finding ball back in their court. What you’re not doing is wasting energy swinging at shadows. Do they try to drag you into an argument about your old ways? Drop the rope. “That’s a topic I would prefer to discuss in a more formal setting, maybe with HR. For now, can we focus on resolving this specific issue?”
You say you’ve gone to great lengths to improve on the old issues. Does that include working with a professional therapist or counselor? Recognizing that you’re a “people pleaser” is a good start, but an expert can help delve past that label to understand why criticism and questioning feel like personal attacks that you must defend against. An expert might even help you identify situations when keeping people happy isn’t worth the effort and isn’t even about you.
Of course, you want to please your bosses, but if they’re hypercritical or poor managers or otherwise a bad fit, it may be time to find bosses worth pleasing.
Another reason for talking your issues through with a professional is that you might qualify for an official diagnosis that could trigger protections under the ADA, leading to more productive dialogues about accommodations and communication styles.
Just to bring this full circle, let’s go back to what I said above about ditching diagnoses and labels to focus on performance and results. If you boil down everything you and your bosses have said about you, here’s what’s left:
You do good work. And you care about doing good work. Everything else is negotiable.