Why am I so disliked at work that I can’t hold a job…? And how can I solve?

I’ve been in 2 companies at this point post MBA. Both have (current job will in 3 months) been terminated for the same exact reason ultimately:

Executive presence and likability. Actual job performance is solid (not exceptional though) - moving projects along and even coming up with several novel approaches to problems. I make people money ultimately, but apparently my personality doesn’t outweigh that.

This isn’t a problem that I just had yesterday: I was bullied and uncharismatic my entire childhood, from K to 12. I was very much the outgoing kid that wanted everyone to be their friend, and ultimately got taken advantage of a lot for it. So i have a highly extroverted personality, but life has taught me to be highly introverted due to the cost-benefit in being hurt and betrayed by people.

In college I also wasn’t very well liked. I tried making friends but I ended up either getting fun of or having people ‘forced’ to interact with me due to being a shared club officer or similar (this will become a trend moving forward). I only ended up having a couple friends from college, but those friends are lifelong at this point.

Ever since college, I’ve never been able to hold a job longer than 2 years. And only a couple times it’s been due to performance. I had one job where my boss would routinely insult me as ‘weak’ and eventually got let go. My first job out of college was very similar: I would get insulted by my type A boss daily, and when I decided to leave because of both being constantly disrespected and underpaid, he begged me to come back.

Even at my first job out of my MBA, the VP right before firing me from my PIP gave me a whole lecture on how I am a weak person.

When returning to my full time MBA, I can tell I was labeled as one of the ‘weird ones’ in my class. It felt very forced when people ever included in things, and often I would have gotten excluded.

I think I might be undiagnosed Asperger's or some kind of issue. There has to be a reason why for my entire life it just seems people are so utterly negative about me. Or maybe some other condition? Idk….

It seems like the universe wants me to do a job that’s highly technical and doesn’t interact with people, but I find those kinds of jobs utterly boring. I thrive when I get big puzzle problems and leading a project and team. The issue comes in how to get people to like me back…

I’ve read How to win friends, and various other books on social introversion and shyness over the years. They’ve helped to get over the trauma from past experience in childhood, but the underlying issues (whatever that is) keep following me.

I’m starting to suspect it’s mannerisms: I have a hard time sounding confident when grilled by those in authority. I use a lot more hand gestures than normal. I have a fairly raspy voice that could sound like a chipmunk. And I have a habit of talking about long form problems and going into tangents (my MBA coach would say I had a ‘nutty professor’ problem when recruiting). I also stutter and talk way too fast. Those mannerisms get judged, and people make assumptions about competence even though there’s no reason to assume so.

Because at work I keep to myself for the most part: I intentionally stay quiet and don’t really talk about my personal life all to much. I don’t think I intentionally come off as annoying…but it’s highly possible that my mannerisms and unaware behaviors may.

I do a really good job at making a solid first impression to hiring managers because I do talk fast and have a strong strategic mindset, but that ‘nutty professor’ behavior bites me on the ass after awhile I think in staying credible.

Has anyone interacted with people like what I’m describing? Are there ways I can learn to either ‘fake it’ or just embrace what I am?

I’ve gone to therapists so many times and they’ve never diagnosed anything wrong with me: as a kid because I was bullied so much my school forced me into a psychiatry program to assess me for a long time, and the therapist after months evaluated that if anything I was too mature for my age, and that the only issue was I have ADHD and hyper sensitive…but reason to explain it. In college the staff psychologists evaluated me and said I simply lacked social skills training and recommended exposure therapy (which did work). I’ve done various teletherapy since and they’ve never diagnosed anything wrong.

I’m thinking of starting a business once I get my next job because it doesn’t seem I can hold a job no matter how hard I work. If I can’t get people to like me, then I need to sell them things where they don’t have to like me to give me money. At least that’s the theory….

Thank you all and appreciate any advice!!!

Jobadvisor:

You're facing a complex and persistent issue. Your dedication to your work and your desire to improve are evident. While it's difficult to provide a definitive diagnosis without professional evaluation, let's explore some potential strategies to address your concerns.

Potential Strategies

1. Professional Evaluation:

   • Neurodiversity Assessment: Consider consulting with a neurodiversity specialist to explore conditions like ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, or other neurodevelopmental differences. A formal assessment can provide clarity and potential strategies.
   • Social Skills Coaching: A social skills coach can help you develop effective communication techniques, body language, and interpersonal skills. They can provide tailored exercises to address specific challenges.

2. Self-Awareness and Mindfulness:

   • Mindfulness Meditation: Regular practice can help you manage anxiety, improve self-awareness, and respond more thoughtfully to situations.
   • Journaling: Reflect on your interactions and identify patterns. This can help you understand your triggers and develop coping strategies.

3. Communication Skills:

   • Active Listening: Focus on understanding others' perspectives before responding.
   • Assertiveness Training: Learn to express your needs and opinions confidently and respectfully.
   • Public Speaking Courses: Practice speaking in front of others to improve your delivery and confidence.

4. Career Path Exploration:

   • Freelancing or Consulting: Consider working independently to reduce the impact of interpersonal challenges.
   • Technical Roles: If you enjoy technical work, explore roles with minimal client interaction.
   • Entrepreneurship: Starting your own business can provide autonomy and control over your work environment.

5. Therapy and Counseling:

   • Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): This can help you challenge negative thoughts and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
   • Psychodynamic Therapy: This can help you explore deep-seated emotional patterns and beliefs.

Remember, you're not alone. Many successful people have overcome similar challenges. By seeking professional help, practicing self-awareness, and developing effective communication skills, you can improve your interpersonal relationships and achieve your career goals.