Has anyone else had a job where they come home and hate everyone and can’t function?

I’m 26F, and mother of a 5 year old and I’m engaged. I went to college for criminal Justice (it was a last second decision, bc I wasn’t even sure of what I wanted to do) and I graduated in 2021. Through high school and college, I worked retail, which wasn’t great but it also wasn’t bad either. I was always on my feet and had a good crew to work around. After I graduated, I jumped into a full time desk job in banking. I lasted there 6 months, until I became so miserable that I would come home and cry/have anxiety attacks/glue myself to my phone to shut out everyone around me. I left and went to another desk job, this time working for attorneys in child support. Whenever I started feeling the same way there, I chalked it up to be the environment (tiny office space, no windows, getting my work done in 10 minutes and sitting in boredom for the rest of the 7 hours). I left there for another desk job, this time with a family law office, and again, had the same thing happen. Tried again at another desk job, and the same thing happens. I’m miserable at work, then I come home and I can’t function. I don’t want to clean, I don’t want to interact with my child, and I just want to sit on the couch on my phone until bedtime. My therapist suggested taking time off, so I did, and then I worked a retail job that fit my son’s preschool schedule and I finally didn’t feel that way. I recently left that retail job for a job at a school, so I could have all of the holidays and breaks off and my child wouldn’t have to go to a camp or something since we don’t have any family to watch him. Guess what? It’s happening again. I work in the cafeteria where I’m on my feet, I only work 5 hours a day, but I’m miserable when I get home. Idk what it is. I’m at a point where idk what to do. I can’t find a job in retail that works with our schedule, bc my fiancé either works 6 10’s or 7 12’s so I can’t promise to be available weekends. Am I the problem? Has a job ever made anyone feel the way I feel?

Jobadvisor:

It sounds like you're experiencing significant job-related burnout and possibly some underlying stress that's impacting your ability to function at home. You're definitely not alone in feeling this way, and it's important to address it. Here's a breakdown of potential factors and advice:

Possible Contributing Factors:

• Burnout:
  • Even though some of your jobs were short, the cumulative stress of feeling unhappy in multiple roles can lead to burnout.
  • Desk jobs, especially those with limited stimulation or high stress (like family law), can be mentally draining.  
  • Even a physically active job like cafeteria work can cause burnout, especially if it's emotionally taxing or you feel undervalued.
• Job Mismatch:
  • Your initial interest in criminal justice might not align with the desk jobs you've held.
  • It's possible your personality and work style are better suited to more active, people-oriented roles, like retail.
• Work-Life Imbalance:
  • Your fiancé's demanding work schedule likely adds to your stress, as you carry a significant burden of childcare and household responsibilities.
  • The pressure of managing your child's schedule and finding reliable childcare can be overwhelming.
• Emotional Exhaustion:
  • Dealing with difficult cases in family law could have taken an emotional toll.
  • The constant cycle of job changes and dissatisfaction can lead to emotional exhaustion.
• Unresolved Stress/Anxiety:
  • Your previous anxiety attacks at your first desk job, and the consistent issues you are having at multiple jobs indicates that there may be an underlying issue that is not being resolved.

Advice:

• Re-evaluate Your Career Path:
  • Consider what aspects of your retail jobs you enjoyed. Was it the social interaction, the physical activity, or the fast-paced environment?
  • Explore career assessments to identify jobs that align with your interests and skills.
  • Think about whether you want to pursue a career related to your criminal justice degree, or if you'd prefer a different field.
• Address Burnout and Stress:
  • Continue therapy to explore the root causes of your burnout and develop coping mechanisms.
  • Prioritize self-care activities, such as exercise, relaxation techniques, or hobbies.
  • Set boundaries at work and home to protect your time and energy.
• Improve Work-Life Balance:
  • Communicate with your fiancé about the need for more support at home.
  • Explore childcare options to alleviate some of the pressure.
  • Schedule regular "me time" to recharge.
• Consider Job Crafting:
  • Even in your current job, look for ways to make it more fulfilling. Can you take on new responsibilities, connect with colleagues, or find ways to make the work more meaningful?
• Explore Alternative Work Arrangements:
  • Look into part-time or flexible work options that better suit your needs.
  • Consider remote work opportunities, if possible.
  • Look into temp agencies, as they can sometimes find jobs that work with very specific schedules.
• Communicate with Your Employer:
  • If you feel comfortable, talk to your supervisor about your concerns. They may be able to offer support or make adjustments to your workload.
• Rule out Medical Issues:
  • Sometimes, persistent fatigue and mood changes can be related to underlying medical conditions. Consider a check-up with your doctor.   

Important Considerations:

• It's crucial to be kind to yourself during this process. You're dealing with a lot, and it's okay to ask for help.
• Don't be afraid to make changes in your life. Your happiness and well-being are essential.
• It is very important to try to find ways to have positive interactions with your child, even when you feel terrible. Even just sitting and watching a show with them, or reading a book can help to build those connections, and to reduce feelings of guilt.

It sounds like you're a dedicated mother and partner, and you deserve to find a job that brings you fulfillment. Take the time to explore your options and prioritize your well-being.

Should/how should I ask my boss not to address emails to my team with “hello ladies”, when I am in fact a man on a team of 9 other women?

I have been on this team of ten people for 2.5 years, and have not said anything about it yet to my director, who is a woman. In emails to the entire team, she routinely starts the emails with “hello ladies”. I’m sure she isn’t doing it maliciously and just does it while on auto pilot or in a hurry, but it still irks me. It makes me feel like I’m not an included member or as involved as “the ladies” on my team. Maybe my feelings on this aren’t valid and I should get over it?

Is this something worth mentioning to her? How do I professionally bring this up without sounding like I’m nitpicking or making a problem out of something small.

Just trying to navigate this appropriately.

Jobadvisor:

You're absolutely valid in feeling excluded. Even if unintentional, language matters, and consistently being addressed as part of a group you don't belong to can be alienating. Here's a breakdown of how to approach this conversation, focusing on professionalism and constructive feedback:

1. Validate Your Feelings (to Yourself):

• It's not "nitpicking." Feeling excluded is a legitimate concern in a professional environment.
• You've been patient for 2.5 years, which shows you're not prone to overreacting.

2. Choose the Right Approach:

• One-on-one conversation: This is the best approach. It's more personal and less confrontational than addressing it in a group setting.
• Private email (if face-to-face is uncomfortable): If you're very uncomfortable with a face-to-face conversation, a private email is acceptable, but a conversation is preferred.

3. Prepare What You'll Say:

• Start with positive reinforcement: Begin by acknowledging her contributions and your positive experience on the team. For example, "I really appreciate your leadership and how you support our team."
• Be specific and direct, but gentle: Clearly state the issue without accusatory language.
  • Example: "I've noticed that in your emails to the team, you often use 'hello ladies.' While I know it's not intentional, as the only man on the team, it sometimes makes me feel a bit excluded."
• Focus on the impact, not the intent: Emphasize how the language makes you feel, rather than accusing her of malicious intent.
  • Example: "It just feels like I'm not fully included in the team when the greeting is 'ladies'."
• Suggest an alternative: Offer a simple solution.
  • Example: "Perhaps using 'hello team' or 'hello everyone' would be more inclusive."
• Express your understanding: Acknowledge that it might be a habit she's not aware of.
  • Example: "I understand it's likely just a habit, and I wanted to bring it to your attention."
• End on a positive note: Reiterate your commitment to the team and your appreciation for her understanding.
  • Example: "I value being part of this team and appreciate you taking the time to listen."

4. Possible Scripts/Phrases:

• "Could I have a quick word with you? I wanted to bring something to your attention. I really enjoy working on the team, and I appreciate your leadership. I have noticed that in team emails you often use the greeting 'hello ladies'. I understand this is likely a habit, however, as the only male on the team, it makes me feel somewhat excluded. Would it be possible to use a more inclusive greeting, such as 'hello team' or 'hello everyone' in the future? Thank you for your consideration."
• "I wanted to chat with you about something that's been on my mind. In the team emails, I've noticed you often start with 'hello ladies.' While I know it's not intentional, it can make me feel a little left out. Perhaps 'hello team' or 'hello everyone' would be a good alternative?"

5. Anticipate Her Response:

• She might be surprised or apologetic.
• She might be defensive (though hopefully not).
• Regardless, remain calm and professional.

6. Follow Up (If Necessary):

• If the behavior continues after your conversation, you might need to have a follow-up conversation, or if the situation is not resolved, seek guidance from HR.

Key Takeaways:

• Be respectful and professional.
• Focus on the impact of the language, not the intent.
• Offer a simple solution.
• Choose a private and appropriate setting.

By approaching this conversation with sensitivity and clarity, you can effectively address the issue and create a more inclusive environment for yourself and the team.