The 9-Word Question That High-EQ People Use to Break Bad Habits
“This is just who I am. And who I am got me where I am.”
A coaching client of mine—let’s call him Roger—recently used this exact line to defend his tendency to completely blow his top. Normally, Roger is smart, funny, and well-composed. But when he gets frustrated, he resorts to yelling and cursing at his employees.
Predictably, people quit. For those who stay, the office becomes a minefield of tension.
The real issue wasn't just Roger's temper; it was his lack of motivation to change. In his mind, this raw, unfiltered emotional intensity was the very engine that helped him build several successful businesses.
What Roger failed to realize is a trap that catches many leaders: while explosive reactions might solve a short-term problem, they construct massive, toxic obstacles in the long run.
To break through this cognitive wall, I use a simple, powerful 9-word question designed to shift focus from immediate relief to long-term success:
"What important, long-term goals are you sabotaging here?"
The Trap of the "Strength-Weakness" Coin
When Roger argued that his personality drove his success, he wasn't entirely wrong. This aligns with what I call The Rule of Strength and Weakness—the idea that every personality trait is a two-sided coin. You rarely get the strength without the accompanying weakness.
Roger’s willingness to wear his emotions on his sleeve gave him passion and drive. However, relying on the excuse of "that's just who I am" is a deeply limiting belief. Real growth happens when you learn to leverage your strengths while actively mitigating the weaknesses that cause you—and others—grief.
Here is how our conversation unfolded when we challenged that belief:
Roger: “I guess I probably shouldn't go off on others like that.”
Me: “Why do you say that?”
Roger: “My assistant keeps telling me I need to stop.”
Me: “Do you actually believe her?”
Roger: “Honestly? I don't know. When I blow up, things get done. And it weeds out the people who aren't a right fit for our culture anyway.”
Me: “And that’s exactly why you aren't changing. You aren't convinced you need to. But remember, true emotional intelligence is about managing your feelings to reach a goal. Your outbursts serve as an immediate, short-term fix. But let me ask you: What important, long-term goals are you sabotaging here?”
After a long, heavy silence, the lightbulb finally went on.
Roger: “I’m creating a culture of fear, which I don't actually want. I'm burying myself in massive stress. And honestly, I’m sabotaging my ultimate goal of stepping back from day-to-day operations.”
Me: “Exactly. You're also pushing valuable talent away, forcing yourself into a constant, costly cycle of rehiring and retraining.”
Stop Scratching the Itch
Reacting poorly or leaning into bad habits is like scratching a stubborn itch. In the exact moment you do it, it feels incredibly satisfying. But over time, you’re just tearing open the wound, making the underlying problem significantly worse.
Uprooting decades of behavioral habits doesn't happen overnight. Change is incredibly hard work, but it becomes entirely possible once you clearly see the damage your current behavior is causing to your future.
The next time you find yourself repeating a bad habit, making a short-sighted decision, or letting your temper dictate your actions, pause and ask yourself:
What important, long-term goals am I sabotaging here?
The answer will instantly pull you out of the heat of the moment, helping you align your immediate reactions with your deepest values, your business goals, and your relationships. That is how you stop letting your emotions rule you and finally start making them work for you.